Ever since we posted our little diatribe about Self magazine's ill-advised ad for the Natrelle breast enhancement "collection" (an ad that has begun appearing in the August issue of other magazines, as well), friends have been sending us links to other dubious - and by dubious we mean idiotic - "fashion" products.
Three of our favorites (because of their sheer stupidity): The new unfortunately named "stain-free" panty collection from OnGossamer, called Luxury Liner - because what woman doesn't want to wear underpants whose name implies her butt is as big as a cruise ship? A little gizmo called Smart Heel, which is designed to protect high heels from getting damaged en route to some fabulously fashionable haute spot. And Kickbars, which are being billed as “diamond bling for your sneakers.” Because God knows, you can’t fit any more diamond bling in your grill.
In the case of Luxury Liner - aside from the incredibly retarded name - is the fact that the idea isn't a bad one ("the black liner will instantly absorb wetness to save your favorite pants and keep stains private"), it's just unnecessary. I mean, not to be impolite, but isn't that what sanitary products are for? And do you really want to buy a panty whose tagline is: "No leaks. No stains. No problems."? Uh, no thanks.
As for the Shoe Condom, oops, I mean Smart Heel, what the heck? What woman is going to spend beaucoup bucks on a pair of Manolos, YSLs or Jimmy Choos and then cover the heel with an ugly plastic do-hickey to protect them from "sidewalk cracks, escalators, curbs, car mats and other abrasive surfaces"? Not I. And not you either, most likely. Just picture how suave and sophisticated you'd look, emerging from a cab or Lincoln Town Car and then having to stop in the entrance of Waverly Inn or the Grammercy Hotel Rooftop bar to remove your rubbers. Nerd alert!
And then there are Kickbars, which make us want to fly out to the company's LA headquarters just to kick the ass of the person who thought it was a good idea to affix 2-plus carats worth of diamonds onto a white gold rectangle and charge upwards of $6,500 for the privilege of wearing what appears to be a bufugly diamond barrette - on your sneakers. I’m sorry, but if you have a spare six grand with which to bejewel your feet, we can think of a hell of a lot better ways to spend it than these cheesy ”accessories.” You could, for instance, donate $1,000 to someone who lost their home to Hurricane Katrina, buy Kevlar vests for four U.S. soldiers (at $900 per) and still have $1,500 left over to get yourself a nice pair of Manolos or a piece of jewelry that doesn't look like it came from the hair care aisle at Rite Aid. Just a suggestion.
Photos courtesy Luxury Liner, Smart Heel and Kickbars